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As Written by Tatianah Green

Guys and ladies have both been hit with the epidemic of falling for the bad woman or the bad guy. Something about their mysteriousness, their attitude, swagger, and overall coolness made us swoon or find them attractive. That may have been okay for one time, but if you find yourself consistently going for the no-good smooth-talker, the gold digger, or the church-on-Sundays, Club-on-Mondays type of person, something may be wrong with how you pick them. Yes, you’re an awesome person deserving of love and appreciation.  But when a relationship dissolves, you have to take responsibility for your part in what went wrong. A relationship, even when it’s one-sided, is still based on two individuals.

Breakups make us think what was wrong with our discernment at the beginning so that we could have avoided all this drama when we met her or him? Why do you keep going for the guys who only want one thing, or the women who don’t really care about you? The list can go on. We have all been there; from attraction to full-out being in love with the wrong type of person. When I read the following selection in James 1:14, it showed me that it’s not God’s fault if we are picking the wrong ones –it’s us. “God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by their own evil desire, they are dragged away and enticed.” It’s happened to me, and you should be honest if it’s happened to you.

What are some reasons why you pick the wrong kind of people to date, be in relationships with, even marry and/or have kids with? Here are a few common themes that we need to check in the inventory of our hearts after a dating relationship unravels.

Your self-esteem is off.

You think you can make it work with the person that’s no good for you because you feel that you will never be able to do better.  Or, you feel that you deserve this kind of treatment as karma or justification for your past mistakes. Don’t let fickle emotions, manipulation, low self-worth and self-esteem, etc. trick you into thinking that you deserve to be with someone who mistreats you or that you will never do better. God has better in store for you, but the longer you see yourself as unworthy of that right guy or woman, the longer He will hold that good thing from you… because you are not ready to receive it.

He knows you better than yourself. If your heart isn’t in the right place to receive good things, you will continue to attract just the opposite. The deeper contents of your heart count as well. You can front really well on the outside and think you’ve got it together but still carry unresolved yet changeable flaws into romantic relationships. Don’t let issues of self-worth make the choices for you; decide to love yourself and the God who made you, as a single, until you are stable enough to date and love the way you always desired to be loved.

Love was replaced by lust.

That’s primarily what James 1:14 is speaking about in terms of dating and relationships.  Like in the movie Temptation, the main character Judith was enticed and dragged away by her own curiosity and desire for a man that was not her husband because the other man seemed like the more exciting option. It’s our flesh or human nature that wants that more attractive person, but our spiritual makeupcraves more substance than just pleasure or human affection.

Many singles get caught up in the trap that lust equates to love. According to statistics as of late, more Christians are practicing sex yet they are not married. Are women in the Body of Christ giving into the pressures of finding a man and find that it’s reasonable to sleep with a man to keep him? Best believe that Christian men get pressured in this area too.

Whatever your beliefs are, lust is never a good substitute for love. Lust of any kind will ultimately destroy you; love consistently builds you up. Which one is easier to find? No brainer here. Singles struggling with lust are dragged away by this type of Mr. or Ms. Wrong because they may have something in them that attracts those wrong people. It’s not always lust; again it can be other issues crying out from within. You have to take the time to find out what that is and ask God to remove it because it’s not helping you meet the right ones.

Your guard was down.

We can get blinded by someone’s beauty, charm, intelligence, and “how they’re different from everyone else you dated.” You may have been attracted to the idea of what that person was presenting, but that may not even be who they are at the core. Just because they are different, doesn’t mean they are worth your time; it could be a new level of a test and temptation for you. Think about it. If a “bad boy/girl” type gets his way all the time in past relationships, how are you going to be different if you are with them?

Some part of you had to give in order for the relationship to work because most likely they weren’t budging. “Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it’s full grown, gives birth to death. Do not be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters,” as it reads in James 1:15-16. You have to be consistent on your stance, say no, give the boundaries, and if they’ve witnessed your standards, they have either met their match and will stay, or dip out for someone else to take advantage of.

You were trying to save them.

We were taught that love covers all sins, so at times we have the desire within us to change or save the ones we date from their wrong ways. That comes from a nurturing place to see the ones we care about grow and prosper.  There’s nothing wrong with that, but it can be misused. We can only do so much for another person to want to change. You are not Jesus, stop trying to convert their water into wine, because you have a good feeling that this person may be a good match for you or the one you want to marry.

You may have a type, so again look into why you felt the need to be captain save-a-whomever and let Jesus do the changing. You can influence someone to do better, but they ultimately have to make that choice to change for themselves. Prayers of the righteous avail much, so always pray for them to get what they need from God, even if that doesn’t include you. That’s trying to help, and that will work more than your own efforts.

Now is the time to do some evaluation and remove the habits of going after Mr. or Ms. Wrong. Ask God to renew your mind and heart to stay on the path that will develop the perspective and wisdom for when you meet Mr. or Ms. Right.

Tatianah Green is a multimedia content creator with a passion for writing. In 2012 she launched her first blog, B.L.I.S.S. {Black Love & Inspiration for Saved Singles} to encourage the Black faith community to be the best in their personal relationships with God that will in turn create successful relationships and marriages. Tatianah wants to engage readers in conversations that discuss how our community approaches popular culture, dating, and relationships. Tatianah lives, works, and dates in Chicago.


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