Each of the couples will dance either a cha-cha-cha or a Viennese waltz for the first night of competition. Despite only two dancing styles, all dances will have unique choreography that matches the individual songs. On the day of the premiere, we finally have a full list of those songs (as reported by TMZ).
Warning: Spoilers abound if you read further.
First, the waltzers:
Margaret Cho and Louis Van Amstel will dance to “We Are the Champions.”
Considering Cho’s pre-season expectations, this song may be overly optimistic. But it’s good to go in with a positive attitude!
Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough will dance to “These Arms of Mine.”
But can those arms do a lift?
Brandy and Maksim Chmerkovskiy will dance to “Cry Me Out.”
Seriously? Way to start on a down note.
Kurt Warner and Anna Trebunskaya will dance to “This Ain’t a Love Song.”
It’d better not be a love song, Mister Married-Father-of-Seven.
Rick Fox and Cheryl Burke will dance to “Crazy.”
Did you know that Wikipedia lists 27 different pop songs called “Crazy?” Crazy, huh? No, I don’t know which one they’ll dance to.
Michael Bolton and Chelsie Hightower will dance to “Life After You.”
Bolton’s managed to hang around so long already, I have no doubt that he will indeed keep going after Dancing with the Stars. Whatever the outcome.
And now, the cha-cha-cha-ers:
Audrina Patridge and Tony Dovalani will dance to “California Gurls.”
Because this will certainly help to reinvent Audrina’s image as a girl known for being a pretty young thing from California.
Florence Henderson and Corky Ballas will dance to “Kiss Me Honey Honey Kiss Me.”
Keep it wholesome, Corky. That’s Carol Brady you’re dancing with!
Kyle Massey and Lacey Schwimmer will dance to “My First Kiss.”
We get it, show. He’s young.
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Karina Smirnoff will dance to “Break Your Heart.”
With The Situation’s abs, who needs a heart anyway?
Bristol Palin and Mark Ballas will dance to “Mama Told Me Not to Come.”
Words to live by, Bristol.
David Hasselhoff and Kym Johnson will dance to “Sex Bomb.”
If no other good thing happens throughout this entire season, it will still be worth it for this.
